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| 07:48pm 04/04/2007 |
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she thinks i'm stronger now. says things have changed....
we're different people.
hurricanes happen. even in the middle of two conjoined lives.
people separate. people move on.
i received only few words from her.
i think life scares her. i don't think she will ever truly LIVE in every sense of the word. and i think that i was her escape while we were friends (the word friend isn't nearly big enough to touch the surface of our friendship though).
in any case, i don't update this so i decided that i should. it's just that "drifting at 17" isn't the best description of myself, anymore.
19. married. pregnant. but still a drifter. some things stay the same i guess.
http://www.myspace.com/discontent_of_mellisa that might take you there (?) |
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| 01:31pm 15/04/2005 |
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April is the cruellest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.
a year ago this sick cycle (binge.purge.repeat. repeat. repeat until your life becomes meaningless.) began and took ahold of me.
i've been driving.
court is may 9.
prom is may 7. (i contemplate going)
graduation is may 21. |
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| you do not have the answers. you can't fix this. you are not my savior. |
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| 12:27am 12/04/2005 |
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And many storms have passed and we’ve lived to tell of them.
But the thunderstorm of all thunderstorms was Thursday. Picture: d.u.I. And
I’ve obviously managed to mess up my life even more so than
I thought was possible. There is more detail, though
I don’t feel like reliving it.
The fact is: I’ve been a horrid person. Even to the point of
Lying to those I love and abandoning the only friend who has stuck with me through every storm, tear, scar, and every bipolar rage I’ve managed to conjure. I love her to death and I’m hoping to repair a friendship that will be hard to piece together again. I’m also working on strengthening the relationship I have with Justin. I really do care so much about him.. I’ve been a mess of a person.
And it comes down to: I can no longer drive. I’ll have to go to court.. And many other things. Thinking about it all is quite stressing.
Last night Justin was over. Late. Too late. I got 2 hours of sleep and then had to sit in a small room all-day because of I.s.s. and I couldn’t sleep in there. I have I.s.s. (in-school suspension) tomorrow also. Tonight me & Justin picked up some taco bell (mmm.) and hung out at his house for a bit. I wore a skirt. It was all very lovely. I was the girl, Liberation. Last night when Justin came over (1:45 a.m., no less) I was in merely a tank top and underwear. And yet, I was comfortable with just that.. (the liberation aspect of this all),.
And well, my future is not too bright. I’m hoping to strive for happiness and if I can manage that, then all will be as well as it can possibly be...
I recently concluded that I will become a masseuse.
The future seems like such a depressing prospect, in all aspects, it seems.
It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. |
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| 12:58am 07/04/2005 |
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I had a bout of depression earlier. I decided to go and talk with brandon, since i didn't really want to be alone with myself.. He gave me a hug and i just started crying thereafter, almost hysterically, and there was no real reason behind it..
Do you remember still the falling stars
that like swift horses through the heavens raced
and suddenly leaped across the hurdles
of our wishes--do you recall? And we
did make so many! For there were countless numbers
of stars: each time we looked above we were
astounded by the swiftness of their daring play,
while in our hearts we felt safe and secure
watching these brilliant bodies disintegrate,
knowing somehow we had survived their fall. |
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| nothing is like it used to be. |
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| 03:55pm 05/04/2005 |
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'How often we make circumstances our prison, and other people our jailers.'
[Update on Nina & I]I finally spoke my mind about our "friendship" and I'm guessing it is over and we will be walking our seperate paths. (It was bound to happen.. We've both changed so much..)
Justin & I had a big dispute yesterday (mostly over the phone, part of it when i was leaving his house after only being there for 5 minutes because he was being an asshole and i didn't want to deal with it).. The second time i saw him, i just acted like everything was perfect because i didn't know what to do and i didn't feel like putting up with any more of his anger.. |
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| 03:33pm 04/04/2005 |
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Justin & I.... really aren't doing as well as we were...
It was like we were at a peak, and then we sort of... crashed. and
we're headed up again, but, anymore, i'm not sure if this is what i want...
I hung out with Kitty the other night which was wonderful.. It was like i went back 2 years
and brought "us" to the present... I'm not sure what's going to happen with that though...
he's in a relationship currently..
I was a very sleep-deprived child today in school.. I even drank coffee this morning but it was no
use.. |
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| we were sick poets. sick people. |
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| 03:30pm 23/03/2005 |
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I have wicked dreams when sick & fevered.
i'm surprised that i have not gone out drifting here and there, so far today.
but, alas, the day is not over. and i did arrive at two destinations early this morn' before returning to home and sleep. |
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| 03:06pm 23/03/2005 |
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mood:  sick music: the postal service; against all odds
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the verdict= strep throat =\
[and he's like a child you have to take care of when sick. bring him medicine. tell him to eat. go out of your way like he means everything to you. and he'll take you for granted... he'll take you for granted. and you'll slip out of your clothes and catch the sickness and then you're taking care of two bodies, only his gets a little more attention than yours.. you call this love. this is love... this is love.. will it endure?] |
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| L0ve. |
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| 11:34am 22/03/2005 |
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'Love is more than simply being open to experiencing the anguish of another person's suffering. It is the willingness to live with the helpless knowing that we can do nothing to save the other from his pain.'
Don't kiss sick people. |
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| a girl, epicurean. |
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| 10:06am 17/03/2005 |
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There are endless details. i wish that
you could read my mind..
Life is so amazing(sometimes overwhelming), these days.
I'm just waiting for something to go wrong,
but i'm strongly hoping this is all real
and will last. |
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| 10:10pm 12/03/2005 |
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music: a perfect circle; judith
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I've been so busy actually LIVING.
the details would take up so much space.
bad trip at work.
kissing at every red light..
life is so unpredictable. |
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| high, a few hours ago. |
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| 11:48pm 08/03/2005 |
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i haven't had time to update lately.
busy, busy, busy..
work,sex, drugs, school,..
(not in that order)
luv you all.
started dating a guy named justin. 2 1/2 years older than i.
sweet, sweet
love, i cherish your humor.
we are playful like children.
no children.
we're so young. |
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| .^]\|t...r|8..AL...\/\/a,,.R |
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| 10:44am 02/03/2005 |
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This Saturday, i'm scheduled for a 9 hour shift.(they must be trying to kill me.)
School has been cancelled because of snow every day this week, so far.
The parents are stressing me out.
Wish i could talk to Nina.. |
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| these mistakes, you'll just make them again.. |
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| 12:52pm 28/02/2005 |
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Friday, i went driving around with a guy i work with. we got high together
and nothing else happened. (surprisingly.)
i sing much better after i've purged and i
scratched my throat with my fingernails earlier and it was
bleeding.
Today is the first day in awhile that i don't have to work or go to school.
(It snowed and school was cancelled. It kind of feels like
December today.) |
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| 12:14pm 25/02/2005 |
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i've put in about 30 hours at work in the last 6 days.
couple that with school, and i'm one girl with no time.. |
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| 01:53am 21/02/2005 |
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music: tori amos; tear in my hand
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i never write anything i would consider too personal in here. =\
i guess (if you read these 'entries'), you're wasting your time.
unless you want amusement in my sporadic silly childness, then read away!
HA.
i might start trying to actually write what is on my mind.
Today & yesterday i worked with two older women. tomorrow, i actually get to work with a guy that is probably just a year or two older than i.
which is.. hmm.. well, it might not be a BAD thing, but i've been known to get into 'casual involvements' with co-workers. ha.
[pay me no mind..]I REALLY NEED SLEEP.
it is 2AM. i'm still trying to decide what time i should wake up, that is, if i ever get to sleep.
i don't work till 3. and before that i need to do laundry and wash my hair.
working isn't too bad. i get to observe people & their characteristics, which can be quite intriquing(at times).
my mother hacks up her lungs these days from all those cigarettes she constantly smokes. it makes me glad that i don't(smoke). |
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| =\ |
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| 01:35am 21/02/2005 |
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Hunter S. Thompson, the acerbic counterculture writer who popularized a new form of fictional journalism in books like "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," fatally shot himself Sunday night at his Aspen-area home, his son said. He was 67. |
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| i wonder if geckos really do eat flavored jelly (?). o_O |
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| 11:26pm 20/02/2005 |
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the bed bugs have come out because people are in their beds. o_O
don't look now.
the aliens only come out at night also.
do we even worry about them anymore?
does anyone even claim alien sightings anymore?
[silly child.] never grow up.
It's a kind of war where i plant bombs inside of myself. |
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| we must find a way to fight the storm without aggression. |
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| 11:08pm 17/02/2005 |
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I have written a poem of peace to/towards sven, even though he once sparked uncontrollable hatred & rage in me, and even though he told me specifically that he HATED me, i have decided to be at peace with him. There is no need for the stress.
In Buddhism, the Hell Realm is characterized by acute aggression. We build a wall of anger between ourselves and our experience.. We are so busy fighting that we can't find an alternative to fighting; the possibility of alternative never even occurs to us. |
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